Grief
by thankthatstar
Summary: This one-shot addresses some of Meredith's grief surrounding Derek's death and deals with how she is coping. Set in Season 12.


**This takes place during Season 12. There is a note at the bottom that explains a little about this one-shot.**

 **Disclaimer:**  
The author of this story, has no connections to Grey's Anatomy. The characters are credited to their creator, Shonda Rhimes. The ideas are my own and have been written for reading enjoyment with no money being made from this story. This disclaimer is applicable to this chapter and any and every subsequent chapter that may possibly appear within this story in the future.

...

"Mer?" Callie whispered into the darkness that engulfed the Attending's lounge.

Meredith didn't respond, but Callie could hear a quiet sniffling coming from the couch. She closed the door and pushed the lock in before heading over to sit by her friend. As Callie's eyes adjusted to the darkness, she was able to make out the features of Meredith's face.

"I'm okay. I just I..." She sighed. "I miss him today"

Callie squeezed Meredith's hand gently. "It's okay to miss him"

Meredith nodded. "It's Zola's ballet recital today. They are doing a Fundraising Showcase. He should be here" she began crying harder now, angrily swiping at her eyes as she did so. "He should have been here for this."

Callie could hear the anger and utter devastation in her voice all rolled into one. "honey I know" she rubbed Meredith's back gently. "He'll be there Mer. In spirit. There's no way he would miss this. Zola will know in her heart that he's watching. Watching over all of you"

"I need him here. On earth with me. Why did he leave? Why did he have to die?"

Callie silently pulled Meredith closer. The truth was, she didn't know what to say to make her feel better as she knew nothing she could say would change things. Meredith would only feel better when she had come to terms to things herself. Callie knew that from her own grief.

"I thought I was okay" she whispered after a long silence. "It's been over a year now"

"You are okay. There's no rule that says you have to be okay all the time. Or that you can't miss him or be mad at him for leaving you and the kids. However you feel... It's okay."  
Her tears fell freely, Meredith allowing herself to be comforted by Callie.

"I told him."

"Told him what?"

"When he was lying there. That he could go. That me and the kids would be fine." She began to sob harder now, reliving the moment in her head. "It was just... I.."

"Shhh, you don't have to say anything" Callie soothed, feeling her own tears prickle under her eye lids.

"I feel like I'm dreaming sometimes. That all of this is just one big horrible nightmare and that I'll wake up and he'll be beside me and we'll be happy. I keep replaying things in my head. Happy times... The first time we met, when we adopted Zola, moved to the dream house, had Bailey. It feels like that life is still going on. Somewhere. Just around the corner and if I drove home... Back to our house in the woods that he'd be there waiting for me. And we could just carry on as we were."

Callie sniffed at Meredith's words as she let her own tears fall freely.

"He changed me. My life was different with him in it... He was a light that kept me from slipping into the darkness. He saved me... but in the end, I couldn't save him. Ellis will never know her father. Bailey barely remembers and Zola mentions him less. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. We were meant to grow old together. We signed the post it." They cried together in the dim light, remembering Derek together.

"I really hope he is around us. Somehow. I never really thought much about life after death but there's a part of me that has to believe there is something more. That I will see him again someday because if I don't hang on to that shred of hope, sometimes I don't know if I'd actually make it through the day."  
They sat together a while longer before Meredith remembered Zola's ballet recital and rushed out of the room.

She made it to the theatre in good time, finding a seat near the front and pulling out her camera. She was so proud of her little girl, how she was coping with everything. She took it all in her stride. _'He'll be watching too_.' She remembered what Callie had said as Zola stepped out on that stage and danced. Meredith was so proud as shefilmed it, a huge smile on her face.

 _This_ was living. She had to push through, to carry on. For her children. For Derek. If he could speak to her right now she knew he'd be telling her to carry on. To be happy. To not give up or stop fighting.

The showcase was almost over when a lady stepped out onto the stage, a piece of paper in her hand.

"Thank you for coming this evening. As many of you will be aware... This evening showcase was put on to help raise money for The Healing Center, right here in Seattle. For those of you who haven't heard of it, The Healing Center is a grief-support community for adults, children and families and offers support to people who have lost a loved one. All the money we have raised tonight will be donated to them. When I thought of how to end this showcase tonight, a 'thank you' for all your support didn't seen enough. So many of us are going through our own personal journeys with grief or loss and sometimes we end up in a really dark

place. So I'm going to end this wonderful evening with a poem. When I was searching for something to read, this poem kept jumping out at me. Like I _had_ to read this poem to you all. Almost as if someone sat in the audience needed to hear these words. If that someone might be you, I hope that you find some comfort in these words written by Henry Scott Holland."

She opened up the piece of paper and began to read.

" _Death is nothing at all,  
I have only slipped away  
into the next room._

I am I,  
and you are you;  
whatever we were to each other,  
that, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,  
speak to me in the easy way  
which you always used,  
put no difference in your tone,  
wear no forced air  
of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed  
at the little jokes we shared together.  
Let my name ever be  
the household word that it always was.  
Let it be spoken without effect,  
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all  
that it ever meant.  
It is the same as it ever was.  
There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind  
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,  
for an interval,  
somewhere very near,  
just around the corner.

All is well."

Meredith wiped the tears from her eyes as she listed to the words. She knew in her heart that it was her who was meant to hear those words tonight. That Derek was sending her a message and it was exactly what she needed to hear. She wiped her eyes before looking upwards and uttering two simple words, hoping that wherever he was, he would hear them.

"Thank you."

All was well.

...

31/11/15

Thank you for reading this. The Healing Center is a real place in Seattle that genuinely helps families as I mentioned above.

I wasn't planning to ever publish this. I wrote it for me... To help me work through a few things. It was very emotional for me to write but I decided to publish it as 2015 draws to a close.

I hope you enjoyed reading this little glimpse into Meredith's life. The poem is a real poem by Henry Scott Holland. It felt very fitting and if Derek could reply to Meredith, I feel that is exactly what he would have said.

Please let me know your thoughts in a review. :-)

Happy New Year!


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